Hello, my name is Candace and I live in Missouri. I'm 22 years old and I suffer greatly from Borderline personality disorder as well as Bipolar disorder. It isn't only me who suffers either, I put my fiancee through hell at least once a day and I hate it. I don't know what to do. I'm on medications that don't work and I have no healthcare to try counselling. I need some positive energy I think. It breaks my heart when my fiancee tells me I look almost possessed when I switch into whatever darkness it is inside of me. It happens instantaneously and I have absolutely no power to stop it...yet. I am hoping to find so more down to earth and alternative remedies to this. I did take a positive step yesterday though, I made the big decision to quit smoking! I am on day 2 and feeling a little tired but I think that is due to me being under the weather at the moment. Back to the borderline though. I have read up on it and there are so many contradicting theories to it, I have read that 80% of clinicians don't even know how to treat it properly and I hope to do this with my own willpower as well as medication. I've been struggling with this for so long and so has the one I love dearly. I need some guidance in the worst way. I get so cold, so distant, and so down right mean when it happens. I can't calm down and I can't think straight. It's like the real me is locked away and all I can do is sit back and watch as this darkness in me destroys everything I hold dear. It's frightening and sad...