The way home

... well i had quite a breakthrough this week in my thinking mind ..then penetration to the core of my concious ,swam a while in the super concious uncomfortably and is now sitting in wait in my inner spirit observatory to be processed further . steven ( The healer ) informed me last session that we would be "hugging " for 15 seconds after every session . that may to some seem like "yeah no worries " but for me being asked that by him had/has proven to be a week long journey of 3 level journeys (physical,mental (conciously and unconciously) , spiritual) .I Hug matt my husband very freely uninhibited, i hug my children unconditionally, very comfortably. i am capable of the polite hug with some friends its not something i ever found i need any focus on . but when asked to do so i realised i did, and the lessons were beyond the actual hug.
my first reaction was of absolute embarrassment and uncomfortableness (this before even considering a hug with someone unrelated to me) i stood there staring in disbelief , steven made the comment "youre thinking of how you are going to get out of this arent you " ..and he was right my internal dialogue had attitude instantly it said who are you to demand that from me .. how dare you put me in a position of weakness , i felt physically sick i told him that i dont hug my doctor and steven is a professional .he looked at me and said we need to heal you. still feeling sick i realised there is a polite side of me that will subject herself to these awkward moments out of sheer politeness (when i should have been running) i know this may sound ridiculos its only a hug .. but it has proved so much more. ok so i say internally just do it and go home ,then he has conditions it has to be for 15 seconds and close body contact and no body taps on the back ( im swearing on the internal dialogue here and staring at him wanting to scream)
it was a horrible experience ,i felt physically sick and wanted to cry.
processing :

this week i realised i felt down i felt annoyed, i didnt want any contact with anyone in any way this week that required physical closeness.i realised that that request for a hug and the hug itself with him stirred up a major learning for me ,a deep one. i am still in the transition and even as i write this im considering emailing steven to tell him ill come to my next session but i wont be doing the hug thing and if he insists i wont go.
i do trust steven and i know he is looking out for whats best for me ,he is professional and i am able to connect spiritually with him and his guides , so i know this lesson is not about him as it is about me.
i realise i have grown to believe that it isnt ok to hug closely with another man that isnt my husband ,that i cant trust a man to want to hug me that closely ,that i have formed a belief somewhere that a man other than my husband will be aroused by a close hug with touching body parts .... ok there it is .. my silly beliefs have come out from within and all this from a request from a hug from a man healer.
the week has been a rollarcoaster but a very progressive one ..i know internally that i am making movement like never before in this life .yes it is true my mum and dad loved us but were not affectionate towards us for many reasons (but thats never been the problem ) my dad has always been my rock , he is an exceptional man and i love him deeply so i know it doesnt relate to dad (who many will say we learn this stuff from our parents and in my case the male ). so where to from here ? well tuesdays session we will see where this pattern of thinking and judgeing has come from and we will heal this and free me ..i know it wont leave until i do it .